How to be an Only Cat . . . by Lily Worthington

This is me, "Lily," while dictating this article to Leta.

This is me, "Lily," while dictating this article to Leta.

To all you neophytes out there who suddenly find yourself an “only” cat, just listen to me. I have lots of tips and tricks of the trade to give you.

First, ahem, please excuse today’s blog — Leta obviously did not get down everything I told her, or flubbed up the interview some other way, because what came out early this morning on this page was one sentence only!!!!! How embarrassing!!!!!

Hopefully she will now get it all down in full, and she has promised me she will run this post tomorrow as well since half the day today was a waste, and since it is critical that as many cats as possible have an opportunity to read this important information.

So, to reconstruct what I told her yesterday, here are your helpful tips:

1. If there are any other animals in the family, play like you like at least one, even if you don’t. It will earn you lots of points. For me that would be Tucker, our Chiweenie, because I love to lick his ears and he lets me do that. As for the teeny-weeny one who is called by the silliest name you ever heard, Frida, I can take her or leave her. Though, truth be told, I am beginning to like her a little bit because she listens to me and respects me. So, rule number uno, act friendly, at least sometimes, even if you don’t feel that way.

2. Always try to sleep on your person at night, and that means on their body. The best places to get are the ones that are the sorest or most tender. You can find those by noticing carefully how your person reacts when you step on certain spots. This is very beneficial and healing for them, even if they don’t seem to think so (sometimes Leta wakes up in the middle of the night and ejects me suddenly as if I were a dead rat — I think she just doesn’t realize what a favor I am doing for her, or she is perhaps in a fog from a bad dream). Sometimes, your person may be so averse to your healing touch that you have to wait until they go to sleep and then creep up onto their body step by slow step. Very stealthily. Persevere. You are doing a great service here.

3. Every day or two bring a mouse or rat into the house, preferably at night, that your person will be sure to find the next morning. This will prove that you are doing what cats are supposed to do: keeping the property rid of such pests. It is best to chase and play with said pest for a while so your person wakes up and notices what you are doing, and then, no matter how much you want to, DON’T eat the whole thing. Always leave a part of the mouse, maybe even two or three pieces, or else you owner may not even know you did this for her. If you’re not allowed outside (horrors) then go through this procedure with a large bug or spider that you can hopefully find in the house somewhere. You will get the same strong reaction, proving that your actions are not only major events but also noteworthy.

Obviously, if there are other cats in the house they can take up some of the slack on these activities, but if you’re an only cat you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and perform them all by yourself.

Good luck!

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